The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Militant Irony Revisited

Recalls have been announced across Canada today with regards to all latex paint distributed after the year 2004. Health Canada has issued this recall after several cases of whooping cough were reported in populations throughout Canada where people habitually reside in homes with interiors painted primarily with latex paints. Studies initiated by Health Canada following the increasing incidence of whooping cough within the population have revealed a direct link between whooping cough and latex paint, when both exist in environments that also contain glass encased light bulbs, electrical heating of any type and table salt.

Any person living in a home containing any amount of latex paint to the interior are urged to vacate their premises immediately and contact their local MLA for rehousing assignment. Rehousing has begun in the western provinces and mostly consists of people relocating to parks and fields near their homes as it turns out that most of our structures, residential and otherwise, consist of interiors painted with latex paint. The government of Canada, anticipating rioting within the population, has hinted at issuing Marshall Law, however thus far their instructions have been met with complete cooperation amongst the population and such measures have not been deemed necessary.

Additionally, if you have in your possession any remaining latex paint from previous home renovation projects, Health Canada urges you NOT to approach the paint, but to walk away slowly with your hands raised in a nonthreatening stance.

So far, no moralities or hospitalizations have been reported in association with latex-paint-induced-whooping cough, however, until we rid our homes of the poisonous and very real threat of latex paints, we as a country will not be safe. Health Canada maintains that if we all work together, as a nation we may be able to overcome this threat and resume living in our otherwise healthy world, free of dangerous toxins.

1 comment:

Jack said...

So, I was reading this yesterday during a break I took from painting my front door with latex paint. I must admit, you had me going there for a minute... I was slightly panicked.


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