The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Third Street Etceteras :: Simple Solutions

This is my entry for TSH Etceteras.  See the previous post for details.

This is my "simple" solution.

When I looked out the window and saw the child at my door I felt myself cringe. What were they selling? Why don't schools realize that people don't carry cash anymore, we use debit. This is the age of plastic. I don't actually want to complain about this because then fundraisers will catch on and start canvasing with portable debit machines. Then we will all have to come up with another plausable excuse as to why we cannot make a donation, and no one wants the nieghborhood kids going home and saying Mrs. Schumacher has no money in her account, or Mrs. Felding doesn't get paid until Friday, or Mr. Bishop has 'insufficient funds'. That would just be embarrassing.

And, of couse once debit-at-your-door becomes available, the oh-so-determined fundraisers will logically take steps to ensure their kids are equiped with portable credit card machines to ensure that they are not neglecting anyone by limiting payment options. I can just see the poor little girl scouts now. Rapping on my door with their fingers all bruised and covered in ink from continually having to perform maintenence to their manual credit card rollers. Suffering from pediatric degenerative disk disorders as a result of carrying the metal rollers in their little Brownie bags.

The poor chumps will end up going on girl scout disability after developing chronic back pain from the annual cookie sales. Their hopes of achieving regional sales awards will be out the window and they'll loose their university scholarship and live the rest of their lives on disability. They wont get to go to the dentist and they'll loose all their teeth from eating so many cookies as a child.

And then what? I suppose they'll recruit geriatrics to go door-to-door to fundraise for the disabled girl scouts. They'll call it a 'scholarship fund'. But what about their teeth? Will these kids still want to go to university if they don't have their teeth? Maybe if we all donate a dollar instead of buying a coffee today, then little Jenny will get to go to school and become a dentist so she can combat the horrible gum disease known as gingivitis that's been plaguing all of her childhood friends.

Damn this vicious cycle. I think I have some dimes on top of the dryer...That ought to help, right?

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Sonia at The Third Street Studio said...

Quite possibly the funniest thing you've written and periodontal disease is not a laughing matter. I would argue that your simple solution is not that simple as the recruitment of geriatrics could be problematic.

hatjunkie said...

This post calls for a beer. (and a girl scout cookie)

Anonymous said...

Katharine(aka anonymous)


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