The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin

Friday, April 23, 2010

Walmart Anarchy :: TSH Etceteras

Top Five Things to do When Trapped Alone in Walmart Overnight

1. Race up and down every aisle bouncing on one of those very large balls with the handle that you hold between your legs. Time yourself.

2. Using only the richest ingredients (butterscotch dessert topping, almonds, lip smackers, etc.), put the various blenders, mixers and cappuccino machines to the test. Throw in some vinegar, baking soda, and red food colouring and you've got yourself a winning science fair project. Make yourself a blue ribbon in the craft section. Use glitter.

3. Give yourself a true spa experience in the cosmetics department complete with waxing, facial, manicure, pedicure (use one of those foot whirlpools), massage (read package first to ensure that you have the proper tool for the job). Colour your hair using the most glamorous box dye you can find (may I suggest Loreal Glammy Glamm Midnight Plum, perhaps with caramel foils?) completing your new do with a beautiful Fancy Clip up-do (almost as cool as a banana clip, with only the flick of the wrist!). Finish up with a herbal colonic cleansing.

4. Position all security cameras to face the centre aisle and perform your personally choreographed interpretive dance based on the age old film classic, Babe. Do this after your makeover, for optimal effect.

5. Commandeer a paintball gun and declare war on every yellow happy face in the store. Dress in complete hunting camo gear and utilize strategically placed step and extension ladders throughout the store to ensure optimal vantage points and sniper zones. Use an over sized fishing net (or perhaps a butterfly net?) to capture prisoners. Make prisoners watch back-to-back Barney videos on TV wall. They cannot close there eyes. 
We will no longer be running TSH Etceteras as a link party.  Fear not!  Etceteras will continue to run as a feature on our blog, so there will still be a touch of the sillies floating around here.  But, just a touch.   
I can't give up - it's still my dream to be a writer for Arrested Development.  Yes, I realize the show was cancelled.  A while ago.  I'm a realist....  Wait, don't think about that.

1 comment:

my spare time design said...

Thank you so much for the tearfilled laugh! I so detest having to step into this store but we have a small city and this is the joint to go to when no one else has what you I can chuckle to myself the next time I have to brave the crowds!


Related Posts with Thumbnails